Thursday, February 11, 2010

Non-Maternal Instincts

Nonmaternal Instinct

Winter. A time suck.

I know what you're thinking. Oh, how cute. What adorable children. Those are the most darling babies I've ever seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's jazzy and all, but you know what I'm thinking when I see those pictures?
  • 2 onesies
  • 2 sets of leg warmers
  • 2 sets of snow pants
  • 2 shirts
  • 2 coats
  • 2 sets of gloves
  • 2 hats
  • 2 pairs of socks
  • 2 pairs of boots
Are you counting? Of course you're not. That's t-w-e-n-t-y s-i-x individual items of clothing that I am required to put on their cute, adorable, darling bodies before going outside. (What do you mean, required? Oh, I mean that if I don't, then their cute, adorable, darling bodies will turn blue and fall off, and that's not so cute, adorable, and darling anymore, now is it?)

So, here's the scoop. I actually like winter. Seriously, I love Ohio because of the seasons. All of them. But I NEVER EVER EVER thought winter could be so stinkin' time-consuming. In order for me to get myself and those cute, adorable, darling babies out the door, I have to set aside the first half of the morning. And then we go outside and do whatever it is small children do in the snow (what do they do? Oh, they eat it. So that's fun.) And then I must set aside the second half of the morning to remove the 26 items from their cute, adorable, darling and now sweating bodies because guess what, they crap in their diapers and it's my job to change them. Steamy and stinky. More fun.

So, tell me, what would you do if you were me? I'll tell you exactly what I do. I throw on my robe and slippers, waddle my goosebumped booty outside, scoop up a bunch of that fluffy white stuff and plop it in a bowl. So my kids can eat it. Because they can do that in nothing but their diapers. And it only takes me 30 seconds to toss on my robe and slippers. Boom. Done.

And the bonus, they are even more cute, adorable, and darling in nothing but their diapers, take my word.


  1. I know you won't believe this, but one day, ONE DAY, they will be able to put all of those things on THEMSELVES. And they won't be wearing diapers. (at the very most, you'll have to pick your 9yo's wedgie for her)

  2. Not that I am questioning you, Ali, but I think you missed Harper's gloves so that makes only 25 items!

  3. i don't care what you say. those picture was worth your work for me. the 3rd one has replaced a blown-up picture of tammy as my desktop background. i'll be staring at it the rest of the day.