Thursday, May 14, 2009

Non-Maternal Instincts

Nonmaternal Instinct

BMB - Parenting skillz that will save your life.

I'm not above bribery. I'm not above manipulation. And I'm certainly not above blackmail.

I'm a mother and a wife. Aren't these the skills that mothers and wives have learned (out of necessity, of course) to do frighteningly well?

Before you judge me, take this quiz.
  1. Have you ever said to your child, "If you eat the disgusting dinner I nuked in the microwave nutritious meal I graciously prepared, then you can have a scoop of the ice cream that I bought (only because I had a coupon - do you really think this green momma would buy her children ice cream just because? Okay, yes she would; she's not above that either)?
  2. Have you ever said to your husband, "Wow, you really are getting stronger. Is that definition that I see penetrating your beer belly flat abdomen? Oh, by the way, I spent $65 on shampoo, but like I was saying, you are looking so buff these days." (But in my defense, I get my hair done for pennies because my sister is a stylist, so I can splurge on fancy shampoo, dang-it)?
  3. Have you ever said to the members of your household, "If you dare tell a soul about Mommy's little chin hair problem, I will post these pictures across the Internets like nobody's business" {flashes pictures of the boys playing with sister's Barbies}?
If you answered yes to these questions, and you know you did, then you, like me, use bribery, manipulation, and blackmail as a means to always getting your way lifesaving parenting tools. 

So the other day, when my son was a bit fussier than I wanted to deal with, I pulled out a special treat that some might argue is inappropriate for a young child of his age (and they call themselves experts; what do they know).

A bright blue sugar ball on a stick (also known as a sucker).

And boy, did it work!

"Look, Mom, I'm happy now."

You know it's good when you drool blue.

"See, Mom, sugar and sharp sticks in the mouth make everything better."

"That was delicious, can I have another?"

"What do you mean it's all gone???"

"No more? Say it ain't so."

So what I didn't prepare for was the even fussier baby I would have after the sucker was all sucked away. 

I never said that bribery, manipulation, and blackmail never backfire. 

But what I am learning is that when my mad parenting skillz do backfire {swallowing pride}, I simply need to be prepared with another equally deceptive brilliant form of BMB (bribery, manipulation, blackmail). 

Caffeine-laden, cotton-candy-filled chocolate marshmallows, anyone? 


  1. Forget the sucker. I want to eat Henry.

  2. This organic, gluten free, sugar free momma said to her kids tonight. "If you come in
    from outside and get ready for bed (the 5th time I asked) you can have a cookie." They said what cookie...then ran in remembering I just bought some. I shuttered at the fact I did that and then laughed that it worked.shh our secret.

    So much for never use food to bribe. Whats a mom to do? LOL