Thursday, March 26, 2009

Non-Maternal Instincts

Nonmaternal Instinct

Between life, selling a condo, life, planning a boy's first birthday part, life, chasing after a small child, and life, I have failed miserably at writing a creative and fresh tale about my mothering woes. Instead, I am republishing a post from October, 2008.

Do forgive me.

The curse of the toy

So there's this toy.

To protect the not-so-innocent manufacturer, I will refrain from disclosing the make and model of this toy, but know this, said manufacturer is no small fry.

So this toy. My son loves this toy. It's colorful, it lights up, it has a mirror, it has gadgets, it has gizmos, and well, he absolutely loves it. So you would think that I would also love it, right?

This toy's gimmick is that it teaches kids the lyrics to songs - you know the songs I'm talking about - those gotta-love-childhood-with-goofy-lyrics-and-over-the-top-hand-motions songs. This toy has two volume settings: ear-deafening and imax-theater-blow-out-your-ear-drums.

And did I mention that my son loves this toy. I want to like this toy. It's the perfect babysitter toy. I sat my son in front of this toy yesterday and almost saved the world, that's how productive I was. But when I reviewed the proposal that I wrote while my son was near-seizing in front of loud, happy, light-up toy, I realized how distracted I actually was (grammatical horrors and misspellings galore). Oh for the love of my son's hearing and my work-at-home productivity (I pretend that I work from home, but this is mostly a joke). Why must these toys be so loud and obnoxious?

So here is my question to the manufacturer: you make toys for children, I get it, but who do you think purchases these toys? Not my 6-month-old, that's for sure. We parents have enough noise and chaos in our lives, why not make a toy that puts my child to sleep for the afternoon so that I can kick my feet up and watch reruns of Murder She Wrote put the finishing touches on the roast and potatoes & vacuum thoroughly underneath my spotless furniture (because what mom doesn't do that in her free time - Ha!).

But until I turn into a complete non-maternal git, I'll succumb to plopping little man in front of this regrettable purchase while refraining from ever again using Q-tips in the hopes that I build-up a permanent earwax plug.

Dear God (who made my son's precious little ears),

Whaddya think of me teaming up with one of these big-wig toy makers and creating a line of toys that is kid AND parent friendly? Like a toy ball that houses a hidden compartment perfect for containing mom's special juice and a couple of ice cubes - baby shakes the ball (what fun!), and voila, momma's gotta herself a happy surprise (don't worry, God, I'm a one-drink-only-kind-of-gal). I am very much afraid that these toys are going to take my sanity and roll it right down the driveway. Which reminds me, thank you for back-up sensors. Without them, someone might just smash my sanity into smithereens, and you and I both know, I desperately need my sanity. Lord, I want the best for my son, I really do. But I need to find a better alternative to this toy situation before I accidentally drop said toy from our balcony and endanger all its cute little, shiny plastic parts. Please help.


  1. My kids once had a wonderful clock to help them learn to tell time. But the volume must have been about the same as this one. So loud. I agree...why don't manufacturers pay attention to this, our little ones ears can be damaged at an early age, we need to protect them. I would think there would be volume regulations.

  2. all i know is who ever bought him that toy is pretty much his favorite person on earth! ;)