Thursday, February 26, 2009

Non-Maternal Instincts

If you work for Children's Services, please stop reading.

So I guess you could say that when it comes to protecting my child from all the crap that he can (and will) get into around the house, I suck.

Baby proofing just ain't my thing. I tend to be more of a he-needs-to-listen-to-me-and-learn-for-himself kind of mom. And if you don't agree with me, then don't send your child over here for a playdate. 

That's not to say I don't baby proof at all. We have one stair-blocking gate (an open stairwell leading to our basement), a half dozen outlet covers (I have yet to know anyone who has been electrocuted, but I don't want my son to be the first. Not cool), and cabinet locks on two cabinets containing hazardous materials (ironically these are the same materials used to clean the bathtub where he bathes and the windows that he smears his grubby paws across all day, but whatever).

Until this happened.

Yes, folks, that's a martini glass. Strangely my husband and I don't even like martinis. I've never even consumed a martini, ever. Seriously. Back in my alcohol consuming days I was a beer and wine girl, thank you very much. 

So heck if I know why we have martini glasses. I think it was part of the oh-we're-getting-married-and-need-sophisticated-things-like-cone-shaped-glassware-in-order-to-appear-more-married. Um, that lasted a whole second considering baby was born seven months after our wedding day. You do the math.

And naturally we have these very fancy glasses stored in the back of a cabinet that we never open. My son, on the other hand, didn't get the memo. He opened the cabinet. He found fun-shaped shiny things. He grabbed. He whacked. He said, "uh-oh." 

Okay, chill out. He's fine.  Not a scratch on his body. Maybe my son is meant to be one of those crazy mad scientists who walks on glass and eats fire. Rock on.

And in case you are wondering, this occurred immediately after the broken glass incident. 

Don't worry, we didn't get all whacky with the baby proofing after that. And trust me, baby proofing can get whacky - I've seen folks: put straps around the T.V. and bolt the straps to the wall so that the T.V. doesn't fall (because T.V.'s do that sort of thing, apparently), place rubber corner protectors on everything in sight including rubber corners, lock toilets and refrigerators, fence in play areas inside an enclosed room inside a locked house, and mount their dresser to the wall so that it doesn't tip over and fall on baby (right).

There are even people who pay people to come to their house and tell them all the ways that their kids will die because of the type of blinds they have or the door knobs they don't have.

Not us. My son does not and never will live in a bubble. He has fallen off of a couch, out of a bed, and down a few stairs. And now with the broken glass incident on his record, I surely should be in jail for child endangerment, don't ya think?

Dear Lord,

Am I a terrible mother? I simply want my son to explore and go on adventures and journey through his childhood. So, yeah, the glass breaking incident wasn't one of my mothering highlights, but I learned from it, ain't that the point? And my son, well, he learned that breaking glass can be fun. Because, well, it can be. 

Are you going to put me in a bubble when I get to Heaven? Because I probably deserve it.

And now it's your turn! Share your not-so-sunny tale of parenthood. Why? Because we could all use a little oops-I-forgot-the-baby-at-home camaraderie.

To participate (today and every Thursday):
  1. Somewhere in your post link to my blog. The easiest way to do this is to add the Blessed Treehouse button to your post (copy and paste the html, found in the right sidebar). By adding the button to your post, the link to my blog will automatically be included.
  2. Write your Non-Maternal Instincts post!
  3. Use Mister Linky below to enter your name or your blog's name and a link directly to your Non-Maternal Instincts post.
  4. Check out the other Non-Maternal Instincts posts - you know you want to hear all the horror stories. But just remember, pass judgment and you'll turn to find your own kid shoving dog treat infested toys down his mouth. You've been warned.
Next week I hope to have a button to go along with this meme - It's in the design stage. In the meantime, show me some meme love. It doesn't have to be anything long or fancy - just a simple post dishin' out all the vomit-in-the-hair details. It'll be therapeutic. You can thank me later.


  1. Ali, this is hilarious. I'm glad you shared with us. I love how you have never had a martini but have the glasses just to make you more "married". LOL.

  2. Okay, so you know what I am going to say! I have had many of these accidents and my boys will be 10 and 7 this next month!

    One that note here is our close encounter with danger. We were shopping with the boys (this would be about 2 years ago, ages 8 and 5). The 8 yr. old was in the shopping cart and not having a very good time at the store. What boy does? Anyway, he was sitting in the grocery portion of the cart and decided to stand up to reach some Little Debbies! Guess what happened next... Yep, the cart tipped over and he fell flat on his face! Of course, the store was busy and there were several other mothers standing close by to gasp and wisper about what a bad mother I was for letting my child stand in the cart. Yes, I let my children stand up in the cart every time I go to the store. Whatever! Anyway, he was fine, just got the crap scared out of him and now we have a great story to tell as he gets older. But on the bright side...He will never do that again!! Lesson learned! We all have those moments,and it doesn't make us bad moms...just experienced moms! lol

  3. Very nice. And now that the martini glasses are no longer a complete set, you are 'more married with kids'!

  4. Ha, I love your post, so funny! One of these times, I am sure I will have my own story to share! :) I am not going to go crazy the whole make sure the chemicals are put in a locked cabinet thing...yadda yadda yadda. Love you and you are a good mom!

  5. Great story. I totally agree, people can go overboard with baby proofing. I even have a BIL who freaked on his dad because he didn't catch the daughter when she fell.. like 1 foot on grass.

  6. oh no!! so glad the little one wasn't hurt but he is learning!!! :)

  7. You absolutely kill me. I am LMAO. My husband is, too. We also have our own set of yes-we-are-very-married-glasses. And they've never been taken out of the cabinet. Why didn't we register for more useful things? Like a years worth of Merry Maids...I'd go for that right now.

  8. okay seriously...we need to be friends because i am so loving your honesty!!!!

  9. Lindsey, we are friends! But because we have 5 little ones between us, we never get to see each other. We need to change that.